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Posts Tagged ‘inner child’

Inner Child

Today I’m penning down my thoughts. I also want to share the really beautiful experience I recently had. How I reached this state with self awareness and self enquiry.

In an experiential session with myself  I was able to visit and feel my ‘inner child’. I have this normally vulnerable time with myself following a bath. I tend to lie down and do some experiential meditation ( where the body relaxes and the senses come alive to just ‘be). Then I speak and experience within myself  all the facets of the good and evil( emotions and thoughts and actions) within me.

This is especially relevant to the constant demons within me. I experience all my weakest and most vulnerable moments and re live them. I constantly find the so called good thoughts are actually quite evil below the surface and that’s why our demons. Once I started doing this, in a way I experienced the calcinatio of the alchemical opus and it took me a long time to let the dross burn away.

Later I reversed these feelings and lead myself to experience the pure goodness within, the one that is healing and simply believes and “lets go”. Its really got nothing to do with thoughts I realised. Its not about wanting anything good to happen to another person, its not about being good with another person, its not about good  thoughts, its not about anything except pure belief in your “self” and your “soul” and that which is tied to  implicit faith….its not about wanting to do good to society and any such great and noble thoughts, these are just figments of our human existence…its about something deep within, that which is not human which has no relation to this real world which  is ONLY REAL (TRUTH) when you reach that point.

‘She’ or ‘me’ or my ‘inner child’ was sitting there, vulnerable as ever and when I reached out and touched her and re assured her, it was the most incredible experience of my life. “I” became the observer of “me”. Its not my heart, its not my soul, its something beyond.

Now that I am back to living an every day life, I wonder who touched her, the ‘me’ inside… all along I felt bound by Eric Berne’s theory of the transactional analysis and the parent child adult specs… so I kept telling myself that it was the parent, specially the critical parent that drives the demons within us and it was my parent that reached out and touched her, my inner child. Also many other forms of logical analysis assailed my senses, as I could not quite accept this.

As I went in deeper I finally realised that it was Grace that touched her, my inner child, it was only Grace that could give my inner child the love it needed, the faith it needed, the re assurance that it felt and the exhilaration. Somewhere my fear seems to have vanished! It is truly wonderful feeling loved like this.

The fear I feel now is much more rational, just on the surface and very practical… like how much money I have in the bank, how much is required for any task set up. How much work is required for any incomplete taks, will I finish it? .Etc etc…. the unknown fears which manifest to us in various other ways constantly, especially through our body mind combination seem to have been off-loaded from ‘me’ my inner child.

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I am Me

What was this that I feel and express?

What felt different earlier… “I” was different and “me” was different.

How so? Actually it was the reaching out and touching the inner child… it made me feel complete somehow. Even if it was just for a few minutes, and later through the week I can easily recall that feeling and moment of bliss.

I feel as if I have leaped eons ahead suddenly. Funnily enough old insecurities remain; these are the ones where “Maya”… (delusion) is caught. Like I feel old, I feel fat and I feel ugly. 🙂 Yet I feel at peace.

Today I can feel angry about the law, how it doesn’t work and how warped it is… in short I feel all old normal feelings and yet there is a difference. I do not feel bogged down with these thoughts. The thoughts flow through me.

Also I constantly feel a presence around me, like God is with me. Now I catch my thoughts and feelings constantly, especially when I feel envy and most easily I know I am hitting out. I understand every hit that I take, earlier it used to upset me, and it doesn’t now.

When I touched and felt myself; my inner child I felt so whole and complete it was unbelievable. I felt so incredibly loved; as if I don’t need to prove myself to anyone anymore. I felt as if a load of unloving weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Yet I felt utterly and completely ordinary. 🙂 Like ‘I’ am no one and yet ‘I’ am the most special and truly beloved person.

I felt connected with myself and with the feelings I feel, these feelings which were a burden to me and a cross to bear are no more. The pain I had carried. It suddenly didn’t feel as painful as I could actually love myself and feel for myself and feel the compassion towards “little me” my inner child.

“Little me” and “me” as “I” exist today have become much closer, almost one person now.

“Almost” is still the fear factor here. Many fearful thoughts bound in and out of me even as write this but they do not cling to me and some radiant confidence seems to feel as if it will always sort out or it will always teach me something that I have yet to learn. Loads of anger seems to have been ferreted out of my system suddenly.

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