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Posts Tagged ‘awakening’

An emotional beggar is one, who begs for “attention”.  He is not able to define himself as a person; he is like a homeless soul, always searching for another soul imagining that another soul will be his succor to becoming a whole person

Sometimes the fear of the emotional beggar is so high he believes that he will just disappear if he doesn’t have another person for constant support. He hates himself and the other for this situation.

He is thus caught in a paradox situation. His begging bowl fulfills his emotional security, but he craves the independence of standing on his own emotional feet without the bowl.

He craves attention or sympathy constantly to fill his bowl. What he does not recognize is sympathy or attention does not equal love. Love needs no bowl to be filled, it is just there. A person has to first start loving himself very deeply; inside out, good and bad, the evil within and the goodness outside.  Only then will his bowl fall by the wayside…  It sounds very simple but this is the toughest part for an emotional beggar to come to terms with. We have to recognize and understand that we all have similar emotional attributes, just like we all have 2 hands , 2 legs, 1 nose, 2 eyes and so on and so forth.

Our emotional makeup is all the same. We all have a dose of good and a dose of bad within us. It is society that defines the good and the bad. The more we try and define ourselves the more we tie ourselves in knots. Loving ourselves just the way we are, is what makes an essential difference to ourselves. Acceptance of this in a wholesome way is true bliss.

Understanding and admitting the evil within is the most difficult part. We believe that a person should only be good… that’s like expecting a person to be born with just a body and a mind, no soul.

All souls are inherently good and bad, we like to recognize them as black and white, never understanding that they are all made up of myriad colours, and as we spin this wheel of colours it will always appear white and pure.

The emotional beggar needs to understand that attention, and sympathy and what he falsely recognizes as love cannot come from emotional begging. Rather than begging he needs to develop the strength in himself and recognize his own colourful soul.

He can start this by coming to terms with the evil within, hidden in many deep layers of fancy clothing, like false pride and hypocrisy. He needs to embrace his goodness too and accept himself as a whole… We think of ourselves as “unique” but we are not, we are just as equal as the person beside us. He has no less and we have no less or more of emotional anguish. It all equals when the spin-wheel is spinning. It is white, pure and reality. We can love ourselves.

Love is strength; strength to accept the spin-wheel. When we have accepted all those colours ((emotions)) of anger love hate and joy; all those actions of good, evil, selfish and loving; when we ASSIMILATE these into our very being ((our souls)) then we stop spinning, we are all white, pure and love radiates from us; we become grounded.

The emotional beggar ceases to exist.

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As a child I build my sand castle lovingly, every stroke, every gentle pat reinforces my own belief.

My belief in myself, my strength, my creativity and my capabilities. These are mine to prove.

Then the tide comes in and washes my castle away, I cry unending in the warm arms of my mother.

She re-assures me, it was beautiful and I only have to build it again. How difficult is that?

Choose another place; one that is further away from the tide line and you will enjoy it longer is the wise diktat.

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So I start building my sand castle again.

My enthusiasm, my youth, my optimism and once again its all about a reinforcement of myself:

My strength, my creativity and capabilities are once more mine to prove.

I move ahead with full plans.

This time as I build my castle I know more and I am more careful, I have studied the tide line. I have taken into account different probabilities and I feel invincible.

But…

Seasons change and the tide line changes. My sand castle is washed away once again.

This time there is only (myself) I to rely on, no place to cry and no arms for re-assurance.

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Now my maturity is only tinged with enthusiasm.

My creativity, my strength and capabilities are floundering. The weight of “what if” is slowing my progress.

Yet an inner voice tells me, ” Build, there’s no better time than now.”

I build, pulling every last ounce of reserves together.

Finally I am the queen of my castle  which stands magnificently by the shore.

But….

I do not enjoy the sunset any more. I do not wait for the sunrise either, all I do is watch the horizon for changes in the tide.

I am the prisoner of my castle now.

Alas there comes an unprecedented storm, the tsunami and my castle is blown to smithereens.

I break down. An empty shell with no tears left.

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I recover slowly feeling healed as I lick my wounds.

I come back with renewed strength. My sand castle has to built away from the sea. That’s all there is to it.

Maybe my enthusiasm is less, maybe the time is not right but the sand just keeps slipping.

It will not build, not as I want it, I need the wet sand for its magnificent completion.

Unknowing I sink into that sand by the beach; I let the sea wash my feet.

I cannot predict the tide line or the changes of seasons. They all have their nuances and nature’s quirks.

The horizon looks different with every sunrise and every sunset. I begin to revel in daily changes.

Sometimes the castle stands, sometimes it is washed away.I build and re-build with an unending enthusiasm.

I feel re-assured by nature itself; that the tide will wash it away to leave me another clean bank to create on.

It’s a mid-life awakening.

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My Reality:

Yes, I do realise that this jargon applied to the mechanics of a real life is perhaps too stark.

Does it really help me to earn that coveted lifestyle?

No it doesn’t.  My reality is not that coveted lifestyle but it certainly is the action of getting there.

My happiness and joy are several notches higher since I stopped trying to keep the castle intact or in reality terms trying to predict the outcome of every action or project that I undertake.

In a way I am exactly where I want to be without the pain of trying to be there!

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