My mind… My cage.

I have lived in a cage all my life.

The cage is my mind. It is like fishing net. It drops on me and binds me unexpectedly. I feel like the fish caught in the fisherman’s net. I struggle against the many fine threads (thoughts) that bind me, knowing that there is no form of escape. Yet just like all other fish I struggle until my last breath to escape to freedom.

Freedom from what I wonder? From the thoughts that cage me? Freedom which leads me where?

Freedom leads towards our instincts, into the vast unacknowledged ocean of feelings and emotions. But the ocean is vast much more than I ever imagined and I long again for the security of my thoughts my cage, my mind.

Why is the human being so lost? Because we have forgotten our instincts we have forgotten to commune with nature. Nature is the great mother Goddess; she has created us and our destiny.

Pagan civilizations have worshiped every facet of nature and all emotion in every form. Simplistically they had a deity or God also representing it, a deity that had to be worshiped.

What is worship to me? Worship is an acknowledgment. Not a devotional prayer.

Worship is an acknowledgment of every emotion and feeling that I carry within myself. Recognizing it is the first step to self awareness. Denying a feeling is like denying the God within.

Our emotions allow us to feel love as well as anger but our thoughts cage us in guilt and fear. This is a paralyzing situation and it leads us to a stressful existence.

The human instinct is lost in a sea of a monetized civilization that enslaves our mind. Our instinct has changed from being guided by nature to being guided by money leading to “greed” “envy” and “lust”.

Think about it, our entire mental universe is all about “money” and “power” and “fame”. Yet our emotional universe is about “love and joy” and also about “anger and fear”.

To me denying my anger and my fear is like denying my love and my joy. I can’t feel one without the other.

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs when our basic needs of ‘hunger, thirst, sex and recognition’ are fulfilled we embark on the path to self realization which is the inward journey towards our natural self.

Hunger and thirst have been replaced with money. Sex has been replaced with lust and power.

Recognition which is actually recognition of the “self within” is replaced by fame.

Is it any wonder then that these never get fulfilled? We always seek more since it is not our natural need and we always envy others who have more, this is our trap.

So how do we free ourselves from this trap?

The place to start would be the understanding that this is a trap we create ourselves. It is not circumstances that create the trap. We create the circumstances by continuously living our life out of tune with our natural path.

Our natural path is our “karma”. It is the acceptance that the master puppeteer is ME; MYSELF; acting out the play on the stage of life already set by my “karma”. We instinctively know when we are out of tune with our “karma”, it’s the inner voice.

One may wonder: Where is the human spirit? Where is the free will?

It is there within us. The human spirit is the self within, the spirit is that which acknowledges or worships every facet of nature and is actually always alive whether in this physical body or not.

The free will is the action that we take to act out our emotions and fulfill our needs in tune with our natural self. It means exercising our right to act out according to what “karma” has planned for us. If we fight this natural path laid out for us then we create a set of stressful circumstances and keep creating them until we finally come to the realization that we are against our natural path.

Following a path with the knowledge that one is in tune with one’s own nature is a powerfully releasing emotion.

This is where we use our mind creatively. This is where we become truly ourselves.

This is where the mind ceases to be a cage.



As a child I build my sand castle lovingly, every stroke, every gentle pat reinforces my own belief.

My belief in myself, my strength, my creativity and my capabilities. These are mine to prove.

Then the tide comes in and washes my castle away, I cry unending in the warm arms of my mother.

She re-assures me, it was beautiful and I only have to build it again. How difficult is that?

Choose another place; one that is further away from the tide line and you will enjoy it longer is the wise diktat.



So I start building my sand castle again.

My enthusiasm, my youth, my optimism and once again its all about a reinforcement of myself:

My strength, my creativity and capabilities are once more mine to prove.

I move ahead with full plans.

This time as I build my castle I know more and I am more careful, I have studied the tide line. I have taken into account different probabilities and I feel invincible.


Seasons change and the tide line changes. My sand castle is washed away once again.

This time there is only (myself) I to rely on, no place to cry and no arms for re-assurance.



Now my maturity is only tinged with enthusiasm.

My creativity, my strength and capabilities are floundering. The weight of “what if” is slowing my progress.

Yet an inner voice tells me, ” Build, there’s no better time than now.”

I build, pulling every last ounce of reserves together.

Finally I am the queen of my castle  which stands magnificently by the shore.


I do not enjoy the sunset any more. I do not wait for the sunrise either, all I do is watch the horizon for changes in the tide.

I am the prisoner of my castle now.

Alas there comes an unprecedented storm, the tsunami and my castle is blown to smithereens.

I break down. An empty shell with no tears left.



I recover slowly feeling healed as I lick my wounds.

I come back with renewed strength. My sand castle has to built away from the sea. That’s all there is to it.

Maybe my enthusiasm is less, maybe the time is not right but the sand just keeps slipping.

It will not build, not as I want it, I need the wet sand for its magnificent completion.

Unknowing I sink into that sand by the beach; I let the sea wash my feet.

I cannot predict the tide line or the changes of seasons. They all have their nuances and nature’s quirks.

The horizon looks different with every sunrise and every sunset. I begin to revel in daily changes.

Sometimes the castle stands, sometimes it is washed away.I build and re-build with an unending enthusiasm.

I feel re-assured by nature itself; that the tide will wash it away to leave me another clean bank to create on.

It’s a mid-life awakening.



My Reality:

Yes, I do realise that this jargon applied to the mechanics of a real life is perhaps too stark.

Does it really help me to earn that coveted lifestyle?

No it doesn’t.  My reality is not that coveted lifestyle but it certainly is the action of getting there.

My happiness and joy are several notches higher since I stopped trying to keep the castle intact or in reality terms trying to predict the outcome of every action or project that I undertake.

In a way I am exactly where I want to be without the pain of trying to be there!

Law of Karma

I am re-reading AGHORA III [trilogy].
It is basically about the law of Karma.
The law of Karma is most profound and one of the most fiendishly perplexing of all reality’s axioms!!
Simply put, it means a “cause and effect” or “action and reaction”. Our reaction / effect  even a  thought wh is an experience. (every action brings about an equal reaction)

(Here are some relevant points, and I would love feed back and discussions from all regarding this.)

What is an experience?
Every individual has unique individual experience every nano second ( a breath for instance) of the limited sphere in the “time ” which we live here on earth.
This creates for each one of us, INDIVIDUAL UNIVERSES OF EXPERIENCE.
There are as many universes as there are people ……..
Since limitations of time and space prevent everything from happening in our world all at one… THE LAW OF KARMA schedules its events or reactions or effects to occur in each cosmos just in time, every time….

What does this mean?
“you have all created your own personal universe with your karmas and now you must live in it.”
Most people try to ride out their karmic storms by barricading themselves inside psychological houses.
However, each one us eventually find ourselves existentially homeless, one day or another…
Religions make good ideational road-houses where we take shelter, until another karmic tempest blows in and even causes that shelter to collapse. !!

What is a karmic storm?
We are all in the river of KARMA.. it has fixed karma, fixed/unfixed karma and unfixed karma.  3 currents of varying intensity. ( how this comes about is explained in detail in the book)
Our present life is a swim in this river… full of the 3 currents mentioned above.
Free will operates here, as elsewhere with all of our decisions: where and when to enter this river, how fast to set your pace, what stroke to use. Basically choosing how we get across.
This is where we meet our karmic storm when we take on too strong a current (fixed karma) or simply flow with the current, or fight it when unnecessary  or correctly gauging our strength….endless permutations and combinations.
Finally we get across the river…. but while the crossing has taken place…..we have created another set of Karmas.
Probably the most important of karmic intensity factors is SELF AWARENESS, the force that allows us to self identify with our actions( take responsibility)…. this allows us to sow and reap more than other sentient beings can.

The unimaginably complexity of this law of Karma, is something that I would love to hear views on….I’ve been mulling on it, and it seems to me as if the only way is path is what has always been espoused….SURRENDER and FLOW WITH IT !!

( more on surrender next time )

We were discussing “time” …”time” not as in time management, but what is time?
How do we view time?
Do we feel guilty when we dont utilise time correctly?
Do we feel bound by time?
Do we feel time has a limitation?…..Or is it we… ourselves because of our restricted vision and mortality that we feel limited by time?

“Time” we realised was a “natural resource”… just like air and water.
Time is limitless, its there for everyone to experience, to feel and use into eternity.
Breath is air, we are not aware that we breathe, we just keep breathing.
Asthama make us aware of our breath, or lack of air. When we are in pain, when we “need” only then do we become acutely aware??
Is it then that any pain that makes us more acutuely aware of a natural resource??
We would probably die of thrist more easily than hunger, we then become aware of water.

What then is the pain of “time” that makes us so aware of time, actually a limitless natural resource?
This was an interesting question, posed by the co-ordinator.
Its been something that has eaten my weekend, trying to undesrtand the wholeness of this concept.
This concept that time is universal, its a natural resource and it doesn’t come or it doesn’t go. It is limitless and all encompassing.
We cannot harness time, we can flow with it.
We are limited and bound by our own limitation.
We cannot comprehend our own duality and hence our mortality.

Similar to the “Oceanic feeling” I have described below, its a sense of wonder, “time”…as we say time heals, time gives and time takes away…
It can be pleasant, it can be disturbing, its in our mortal hands to utilise correctly, or with reverence, with a sense of wonder “time”…that’s what I feel it is..

Sigmund Freud acknowledged the existence, in some people, of what
he called “the oceanic feeling.” It includes an awareness of one’s
smallness in the face of the rest of what is. Words like “awe” and
“adoration” come to mind. This feeling isn’t simply fear, or need
not be. It may include a sense of unspeakable joy, a strong
feeling of all-right-ness. Often there is an inclination to
acknowledge some sort of obligation to do better, or to be better,
in the presence of that.

Freud admitted to having never experienced this feeling
personally, but for some reason he felt he needed to refer to it.

Unlike Freud, this writer has experienced the oceanic feeling, the sense of wonder; and also let me say here the oceanic feeling is not always pleasant.
Littleness is part of it. Helplessness often is.
A sense of loss of control, along with fear and frustration, can be in it.
An awareness of my mortality is in it.

My earliest memory of it was a recurring thought, which was more like an audience than a vision. I was very, very young, in fact within the womb, dialouging with myself, reaching out to my mother for allowing me to be born.
I felt deep pain, a sense of helplessness when I felt myself hearing the sub-conscious thoughts of my own mother. Later I corroborated with her, and learnt that she had not wished to be pregnant at that time. She had wanted a child, but only much later. This was astounding news to me and a part of me experienced that wondourous feeling again. It was the sense of wonder.

I feel it when I am swept away by sexual ecstasy.
I feel it, sometimes, as I kneel alone staring into space and connecting with the unknown.
I have felt it reading certain books, discovering new previously unimagined contents.
And I feel the oceanic feeling every time, when, after an absence of months or years, I first see again the ocean itself, or the Himalayas I wallow in that feeling.

A client recently told me, that he creates this wondourous feeling everytime he bathes his lover after tender lovemaking, or asks to be fed by his lover while he feeds her too, fulfilling his desire to feel wanted and make her feel wanted.
We all try and re-create this feeling with our partners in some special way expecting to be fulfilled, but it doesn’t happen!!
What he was re-creating was a material consequence masked in emotional layers.
Its the third truth from the Buddha, “the craving” the desire to be “one” the desire to “want” the desire to “feel” this oceanic feeling of ecstasy.
All I could explain was that it cannot be commissioned, it simply happens when we lower our defences and submit ourselves to the sense of wonder without any expectation.

On the contrary, the oceanic feeling, the sense of wonder, can
lead people to a humble awareness of Truth, with some sense of the
human ego’s relative size and importance, in all the Cosmos.
This is a feeling to be experienced in totality without conscious awareness and certainly not by creating an experience.

Primal Waters


BPD (psycho babble)

Borderlines are unable to congruently bond or attach to a partner in healthy ways because they were unable to successfully master the separation-individuation phase of development in early childhood.

Borderlines wreak so much chaos, drama, havoc, and often abuse, in relationships. When they try to relate to someone intimately the stress creates the rise of a myriad of false self defences that push other away. Most with BPD have not learned how to regulate or modulate the emotions associated with the flux of distance and closeness that is part of healthier relationships.

According to N. Gregory Hamilton, M.D., in his book, Self and Others – Object Relations Theory In Practice, “Struggles between closeness and autonomy gradually subside as rapprochement resolves. The child finds an optimal distance. The intensity and duration of temper tantrums decrease. Emotions become more modulated, and a new emotional repertoire emerges.”

Closeness, for the borderline, brings with it the terror of annihilation or engulfment – the re-experiencing of the loss of authentic self. Whereas distance is experienced as either pending re-abandonment or threatened abandonment.

Often this propels the borderline to punish and seek revenge or to wish to annihilate the significant other in his or her life, as a means of defending against the loss of self through other.

Borderlines need to find their way to the kind of therapy that will make it possible for them to learn how to relate in ways that aren’t abusive, self-defeating, and sometimes even criminal. They need to be helped to heal their abandonment trauma so they can emotionally and psychologically mature.

Some borderlines can do some terrible things and cause untold pain and chaos in their own lives and the lives of those who care about them. Though everyone with BPD is responsible for his or her own behaviour, most deeply regret not only their own pain, but the pain they cause others.

It is not correct to assume that due to the way in which many with BPD treat others, that they have no conscience or remorse or compassion. They can act in ways that are totally opposite to this when triggered to regressed wounded and dissociative past experience, however. This often creates confusion for those in relationship with borderlines.

Self-forgiveness is important for those with BPD so that they can psychologically unhook from the self-sabotaging and self-hating cycle.

If we, as non borderlines, are capable of compassion we have an ethical and moral responsibility to understand the person with BPD without sanctioning abusive behaviour.

If intimacy is a re-play of your borderline’s childhood in your life, detach emotionally. If necessary, end the relationship. Many non borderlines, however, can get off the rollercoaster of borderline emotional dysfunction by unhooking from the things that pull them into it.

Intimacy with most people who have Borderline Personality Disorder (until and unless they have significant successful therapeutic intervention) is not possible in healthy adult mutual and reciprocal ways.

Borderlines struggle with abandonment fear that causes them to often regress to the role of the child in intimate relationships.

The result of this triggered and dissociative regression is that they experience their partners as bad mother or not-good-enough mother. Borderlines are not able to stay in the present when stressed by the re-surfacing of their abandonment trauma. They are not able to regulate their needs or emotions in congruent ways that allow for the necessary moving in and moving out that healthy intimacy requires.

Lacking object constancy borderlines’ attempts at adult emotional intimacy, more often than not, result in intense and unstable push-pull and “I-hate-you-don’t-leave me” behaviour.

Age-appropriate adult intimacy with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is not possible until and unless they learn to unhook from all of the loaded inter-relational triggers of their arrested emotional development and learn to attach and bond in the here and now congruently with object contancy.

Borderlines do not know how to regulate their emotions in ways that prevent them from re-experiencing the cycling control struggle between dependence and independence – the separation – individuation struggle that they were unable to master as young children.