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Archive for the ‘Psycho Babble’ Category

An emotional beggar is one, who begs for “attention”.  He is not able to define himself as a person; he is like a homeless soul, always searching for another soul imagining that another soul will be his succor to becoming a whole person

Sometimes the fear of the emotional beggar is so high he believes that he will just disappear if he doesn’t have another person for constant support. He hates himself and the other for this situation.

He is thus caught in a paradox situation. His begging bowl fulfills his emotional security, but he craves the independence of standing on his own emotional feet without the bowl.

He craves attention or sympathy constantly to fill his bowl. What he does not recognize is sympathy or attention does not equal love. Love needs no bowl to be filled, it is just there. A person has to first start loving himself very deeply; inside out, good and bad, the evil within and the goodness outside.  Only then will his bowl fall by the wayside…  It sounds very simple but this is the toughest part for an emotional beggar to come to terms with. We have to recognize and understand that we all have similar emotional attributes, just like we all have 2 hands , 2 legs, 1 nose, 2 eyes and so on and so forth.

Our emotional makeup is all the same. We all have a dose of good and a dose of bad within us. It is society that defines the good and the bad. The more we try and define ourselves the more we tie ourselves in knots. Loving ourselves just the way we are, is what makes an essential difference to ourselves. Acceptance of this in a wholesome way is true bliss.

Understanding and admitting the evil within is the most difficult part. We believe that a person should only be good… that’s like expecting a person to be born with just a body and a mind, no soul.

All souls are inherently good and bad, we like to recognize them as black and white, never understanding that they are all made up of myriad colours, and as we spin this wheel of colours it will always appear white and pure.

The emotional beggar needs to understand that attention, and sympathy and what he falsely recognizes as love cannot come from emotional begging. Rather than begging he needs to develop the strength in himself and recognize his own colourful soul.

He can start this by coming to terms with the evil within, hidden in many deep layers of fancy clothing, like false pride and hypocrisy. He needs to embrace his goodness too and accept himself as a whole… We think of ourselves as “unique” but we are not, we are just as equal as the person beside us. He has no less and we have no less or more of emotional anguish. It all equals when the spin-wheel is spinning. It is white, pure and reality. We can love ourselves.

Love is strength; strength to accept the spin-wheel. When we have accepted all those colours ((emotions)) of anger love hate and joy; all those actions of good, evil, selfish and loving; when we ASSIMILATE these into our very being ((our souls)) then we stop spinning, we are all white, pure and love radiates from us; we become grounded.

The emotional beggar ceases to exist.

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Anger…….

What does the word ‘anger’ conjure up? To most it is a wild dark and uncontrollable picture.

We do not like to face this picture for ‘fear’ of what it will unearth.

So are the words ‘anger’ and ‘fear’ both negative words which we do not want to face?

Anger and fear are both primary emotions like love and joy. We are made up of these primary emotions just as surely as we have physical features. Unfortunately for many years we have been subconsciously trained not to accept either emotion. Since these are primary emotions they are not emotions with which we can reason.

When we experience ‘fear’ our instinctive response is ‘flight’ or ‘fight’. These defense mechanisms help us to survive.

When we experience ‘anger’ we also feel pain. It is a pain which is felt at a very very deep subconscious level and it remains within us because we do not know how to express our anger and exhaust it.

Most of us respond to anger with a ‘fight’ response. If we dig deeper into this response, we realize what has really happened is that our true response to anger has been sidelined. We begin to ‘fear’ our own anger because society has conditioned us to do so. The instinctive response to fear is also the ‘fight’ response. By lashing out at someone or ‘revenge thoughts’ all we do is acknowledge our fear of anger. This leads to further frustration within ourselves and we get caught in the same vicious cycle of anger without really dealing with it.

How does one deal with anger? Anger is a sort of an unadulterated rage at our helplessness at being unable to deal with a situation. Many of us are in a state of ‘passive anger’ where the feeling of anger is masked by an unseemly calmness at dealing with life. Underneath that calmness is a burning fury of anger.

The first step to dealing with anger is to acknowledge it. The source of that anger is what is of primary importance. The source might be very trivial and may seem unjustified from a societal point of view. What we need to correct within ourselves is that anger is right and anger leads to pain. It is the Pain that we have to deal with ourselves. Anger does not mean giving pain to somebody else.

How does one acknowledge anger? This is a difficult question because anger surfaces at the smallest of pretext. Sometimes there is no pretext and there is just anger. Once we start recognizing that anger exists within us and is part and parcel of us, our mental make-up and all that we stand for then it becomes easier for us to acknowledge anger. The more we push anger away the more it turns to fear and the more is our ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ (passive aggressive) response.

Let’s look at anger visually from the moment of birth. A baby is born and cries. The primary emotion is ‘fear’ and ‘anger’ at being thrust out of the warm womb, though this is an act of nature. The baby acknowledges fear by flaying its arms and legs wildly but it doesn’t get anywhere. Then the baby acknowledges the anger by crying loudly. Why does the baby cry? The baby understands the pain coming from the anger and reacts with grief. The baby feels the helplessness of being thrust from its cosy womb by an act of nature. The baby instinctively understands that anger comes from its helplessness. The baby is in touch with both these emotions. Later the baby is held and fed. It feels joy and contentment when it is fed and love and happiness when it is held. As we grow up all these emotions mature and evolve just like our physical features do.

Normal homes encourage the ‘love’ and ‘joy’ process of evolution but deny the ‘anger’ fear’ process of evolution. We have left evolving and maturing these emotions far far behind. Suddenly one day we wake up and find that many things in life cannot be handled. That is because 50% of our emotional makeup has been left at the baby stage!!

How do we start acknowledging the 50% of ourselves that we have left behind?

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Meditation is a sure way to reach that sublime state but what is meditation? Meditation has different processes just as cooking has. Like cooking leads to making food  palatable and satisfies our hunger, meditation leads to stilling the mind which leads to satisfaction of our spiritual hunger. Just like we need to cook and eat food every day we need to meditate everyday too.

Meditation can simply mean intense concentration. Meditation can also mean reflection. Concentration on the divine to the exclusion of all else is naturally the path of “bhakti yoga” and this is the path that most religions of the world uphold and beckon us to follow. Perhaps it is easy for some and not so easy for others. Concentration on the path ahead, that which You have chosen to the exclusion of all else is “karma yoga” and this is the path many people follow too. “Jyana Yoga” is reflection and understanding of the knowledge that is inherent in this Universe.

Whichever path we choose in this journey, which is our life, all meditation comes to naught when we meditate with  the expectation of an outcome. If we consider the ideals of “bhakti yoga” the great saint Meera Bai comes first to mind. She steadfastly carried on in her bhakti to Lord Krishna (the divine, if you don’t like iconography) unminding of the consequences and neither expecting any fruit from that bhakti. Many great scientists follow the path of “karma yoga” they just carry on in their chosen field completely trusting the intuition they carry within. Neither do they expect success will come to them, neither do they get dettered by the obstacles that come their way. The theories they have finally propounded have changed the Universe as we know it literally. Finally a “jyana yogi” is one who reflects the universe in his own mind. Many “Jyana Yogis” abound in the world. Jesus was one of them and in India in living memory is Parmahansa Raman Maharshi. Tantra is definitely a path of “jyana yoga”.

Jyana Yoga is the process of self-inquiry that leads to the divine.  When ‘I’ go into the daily process of experiential meditation and catch my thoughts, then an automatic cleansing begins, because every thought is identified with an action. I understand this and then the thought changes into knowledge, this is a process of self-inquiry.

This process diffuses the ‘feeling’ connected to the thought and my action which otherwise might have been enacted stalls. The ‘feelings’ “I” experience might be pain, hurt, anger, fear, resentment, desire, covetous feelings, jealousy; whatever. Many feelings are very covered with reasoning and many times feel righteous and sanctimonious. My action will be hurtful talk, sarcasm shown, and impulsive action like shopping or over eating. My action is a defence mechanism to the “pain” “I” feel while experiencing these feelings; because deep inside the feeling lingers even after the action to quell the pain of that expereince has been enacted.

Once my identification with the thought is understood the ‘feeling’ disconnects and knowledge or ‘truth’ connects. This leads to a feeling of “let go” and later contentment, sometimes even though “I” have not been able to stop that action earlier. But reflecting about that “thought” and action is an experience that automatically humbles me and this leads to my connection with the divine.  Very often the reflection of my action and the thought behind it brings a powerful surge of “oneness” with the “other” on whom my action was projected. This means we can feel the other person without judging him or her and expereince what they are feeling. This is what humbles me and without a self righteous morality I can continue with my life feeling deeply connected with the other.

“Jana yoga” stills the mind by refelecting my own thoughts continously, how can a mind, full of chatter and movement reflect anything? So the mind stills to reflect.

Let me explain more easily; for instance, just plain gossip.  You think nothing of this action and slowly it becomes part of your life. You begin to ‘judge’ people unknowingly. But somewhere within you, you are carrying a burden that leads to  the compulsive action of speaking ill about another one again and again. Every time you do this you build up more anger. You also carry the hurt the other is carrying due to your unknowing action of gossip.
When ‘I’ can realise that the gossip is a projection of my anger it’s an understanding. Then ‘I’ can also realise that my ‘I’ carries a hurt inside ‘me’ for the projection of the anger to happen. Later when the hurt is questioned then ‘I’ realises its own contribution to the hurt and by this time the thought has turned to knowledge and the hurt feeling inside ‘me’ has disappeared and the action of speaking ill never happens.
This I feel is the process of self inquiry (jyana yoga) which is like a sword for me. It cuts through my thoughts and feelings and brings forth only knowledge, or truth. It opens my ‘self’ without any vulnerability because through the truth I have already accepted my ‘self’ just as it is.

This is the best I can put words to what I am experiencing through ‘self’ and many a times powerful surges of love.

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Inner Child

Today I’m penning down my thoughts. I also want to share the really beautiful experience I recently had. How I reached this state with self awareness and self enquiry.

In an experiential session with myself  I was able to visit and feel my ‘inner child’. I have this normally vulnerable time with myself following a bath. I tend to lie down and do some experiential meditation ( where the body relaxes and the senses come alive to just ‘be). Then I speak and experience within myself  all the facets of the good and evil( emotions and thoughts and actions) within me.

This is especially relevant to the constant demons within me. I experience all my weakest and most vulnerable moments and re live them. I constantly find the so called good thoughts are actually quite evil below the surface and that’s why our demons. Once I started doing this, in a way I experienced the calcinatio of the alchemical opus and it took me a long time to let the dross burn away.

Later I reversed these feelings and lead myself to experience the pure goodness within, the one that is healing and simply believes and “lets go”. Its really got nothing to do with thoughts I realised. Its not about wanting anything good to happen to another person, its not about being good with another person, its not about good  thoughts, its not about anything except pure belief in your “self” and your “soul” and that which is tied to  implicit faith….its not about wanting to do good to society and any such great and noble thoughts, these are just figments of our human existence…its about something deep within, that which is not human which has no relation to this real world which  is ONLY REAL (TRUTH) when you reach that point.

‘She’ or ‘me’ or my ‘inner child’ was sitting there, vulnerable as ever and when I reached out and touched her and re assured her, it was the most incredible experience of my life. “I” became the observer of “me”. Its not my heart, its not my soul, its something beyond.

Now that I am back to living an every day life, I wonder who touched her, the ‘me’ inside… all along I felt bound by Eric Berne’s theory of the transactional analysis and the parent child adult specs… so I kept telling myself that it was the parent, specially the critical parent that drives the demons within us and it was my parent that reached out and touched her, my inner child. Also many other forms of logical analysis assailed my senses, as I could not quite accept this.

As I went in deeper I finally realised that it was Grace that touched her, my inner child, it was only Grace that could give my inner child the love it needed, the faith it needed, the re assurance that it felt and the exhilaration. Somewhere my fear seems to have vanished! It is truly wonderful feeling loved like this.

The fear I feel now is much more rational, just on the surface and very practical… like how much money I have in the bank, how much is required for any task set up. How much work is required for any incomplete taks, will I finish it? .Etc etc…. the unknown fears which manifest to us in various other ways constantly, especially through our body mind combination seem to have been off-loaded from ‘me’ my inner child.

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I am Me

What was this that I feel and express?

What felt different earlier… “I” was different and “me” was different.

How so? Actually it was the reaching out and touching the inner child… it made me feel complete somehow. Even if it was just for a few minutes, and later through the week I can easily recall that feeling and moment of bliss.

I feel as if I have leaped eons ahead suddenly. Funnily enough old insecurities remain; these are the ones where “Maya”… (delusion) is caught. Like I feel old, I feel fat and I feel ugly. 🙂 Yet I feel at peace.

Today I can feel angry about the law, how it doesn’t work and how warped it is… in short I feel all old normal feelings and yet there is a difference. I do not feel bogged down with these thoughts. The thoughts flow through me.

Also I constantly feel a presence around me, like God is with me. Now I catch my thoughts and feelings constantly, especially when I feel envy and most easily I know I am hitting out. I understand every hit that I take, earlier it used to upset me, and it doesn’t now.

When I touched and felt myself; my inner child I felt so whole and complete it was unbelievable. I felt so incredibly loved; as if I don’t need to prove myself to anyone anymore. I felt as if a load of unloving weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Yet I felt utterly and completely ordinary. 🙂 Like ‘I’ am no one and yet ‘I’ am the most special and truly beloved person.

I felt connected with myself and with the feelings I feel, these feelings which were a burden to me and a cross to bear are no more. The pain I had carried. It suddenly didn’t feel as painful as I could actually love myself and feel for myself and feel the compassion towards “little me” my inner child.

“Little me” and “me” as “I” exist today have become much closer, almost one person now.

“Almost” is still the fear factor here. Many fearful thoughts bound in and out of me even as write this but they do not cling to me and some radiant confidence seems to feel as if it will always sort out or it will always teach me something that I have yet to learn. Loads of anger seems to have been ferreted out of my system suddenly.

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I have lived in a cage all my life.

The cage is my mind. It is like fishing net. It drops on me and binds me unexpectedly. I feel like the fish caught in the fisherman’s net. I struggle against the many fine threads (thoughts) that bind me, knowing that there is no form of escape. Yet just like all other fish I struggle until my last breath to escape to freedom.

Freedom from what I wonder? From the thoughts that cage me? Freedom which leads me where?

Freedom leads towards our instincts, into the vast unacknowledged ocean of feelings and emotions. But the ocean is vast much more than I ever imagined and I long again for the security of my thoughts my cage, my mind.

Why is the human being so lost? Because we have forgotten our instincts we have forgotten to commune with nature. Nature is the great mother Goddess; she has created us and our destiny.

Pagan civilizations have worshiped every facet of nature and all emotion in every form. Simplistically they had a deity or God also representing it, a deity that had to be worshiped.

What is worship to me? Worship is an acknowledgment. Not a devotional prayer.

Worship is an acknowledgment of every emotion and feeling that I carry within myself. Recognizing it is the first step to self awareness. Denying a feeling is like denying the God within.

Our emotions allow us to feel love as well as anger but our thoughts cage us in guilt and fear. This is a paralyzing situation and it leads us to a stressful existence.

The human instinct is lost in a sea of a monetized civilization that enslaves our mind. Our instinct has changed from being guided by nature to being guided by money leading to “greed” “envy” and “lust”.

Think about it, our entire mental universe is all about “money” and “power” and “fame”. Yet our emotional universe is about “love and joy” and also about “anger and fear”.

To me denying my anger and my fear is like denying my love and my joy. I can’t feel one without the other.

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs when our basic needs of ‘hunger, thirst, sex and recognition’ are fulfilled we embark on the path to self realization which is the inward journey towards our natural self.

Hunger and thirst have been replaced with money. Sex has been replaced with lust and power.

Recognition which is actually recognition of the “self within” is replaced by fame.

Is it any wonder then that these never get fulfilled? We always seek more since it is not our natural need and we always envy others who have more, this is our trap.

So how do we free ourselves from this trap?

The place to start would be the understanding that this is a trap we create ourselves. It is not circumstances that create the trap. We create the circumstances by continuously living our life out of tune with our natural path.

Our natural path is our “karma”. It is the acceptance that the master puppeteer is ME; MYSELF; acting out the play on the stage of life already set by my “karma”. We instinctively know when we are out of tune with our “karma”, it’s the inner voice.

One may wonder: Where is the human spirit? Where is the free will?

It is there within us. The human spirit is the self within, the spirit is that which acknowledges or worships every facet of nature and is actually always alive whether in this physical body or not.

The free will is the action that we take to act out our emotions and fulfill our needs in tune with our natural self. It means exercising our right to act out according to what “karma” has planned for us. If we fight this natural path laid out for us then we create a set of stressful circumstances and keep creating them until we finally come to the realization that we are against our natural path.

Following a path with the knowledge that one is in tune with one’s own nature is a powerfully releasing emotion.

This is where we use our mind creatively. This is where we become truly ourselves.

This is where the mind ceases to be a cage.

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As a child I build my sand castle lovingly, every stroke, every gentle pat reinforces my own belief.

My belief in myself, my strength, my creativity and my capabilities. These are mine to prove.

Then the tide comes in and washes my castle away, I cry unending in the warm arms of my mother.

She re-assures me, it was beautiful and I only have to build it again. How difficult is that?

Choose another place; one that is further away from the tide line and you will enjoy it longer is the wise diktat.

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So I start building my sand castle again.

My enthusiasm, my youth, my optimism and once again its all about a reinforcement of myself:

My strength, my creativity and capabilities are once more mine to prove.

I move ahead with full plans.

This time as I build my castle I know more and I am more careful, I have studied the tide line. I have taken into account different probabilities and I feel invincible.

But…

Seasons change and the tide line changes. My sand castle is washed away once again.

This time there is only (myself) I to rely on, no place to cry and no arms for re-assurance.

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Now my maturity is only tinged with enthusiasm.

My creativity, my strength and capabilities are floundering. The weight of “what if” is slowing my progress.

Yet an inner voice tells me, ” Build, there’s no better time than now.”

I build, pulling every last ounce of reserves together.

Finally I am the queen of my castle  which stands magnificently by the shore.

But….

I do not enjoy the sunset any more. I do not wait for the sunrise either, all I do is watch the horizon for changes in the tide.

I am the prisoner of my castle now.

Alas there comes an unprecedented storm, the tsunami and my castle is blown to smithereens.

I break down. An empty shell with no tears left.

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I recover slowly feeling healed as I lick my wounds.

I come back with renewed strength. My sand castle has to built away from the sea. That’s all there is to it.

Maybe my enthusiasm is less, maybe the time is not right but the sand just keeps slipping.

It will not build, not as I want it, I need the wet sand for its magnificent completion.

Unknowing I sink into that sand by the beach; I let the sea wash my feet.

I cannot predict the tide line or the changes of seasons. They all have their nuances and nature’s quirks.

The horizon looks different with every sunrise and every sunset. I begin to revel in daily changes.

Sometimes the castle stands, sometimes it is washed away.I build and re-build with an unending enthusiasm.

I feel re-assured by nature itself; that the tide will wash it away to leave me another clean bank to create on.

It’s a mid-life awakening.

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My Reality:

Yes, I do realise that this jargon applied to the mechanics of a real life is perhaps too stark.

Does it really help me to earn that coveted lifestyle?

No it doesn’t.  My reality is not that coveted lifestyle but it certainly is the action of getting there.

My happiness and joy are several notches higher since I stopped trying to keep the castle intact or in reality terms trying to predict the outcome of every action or project that I undertake.

In a way I am exactly where I want to be without the pain of trying to be there!

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