Archive for October, 2008

I am Me

What was this that I feel and express?

What felt different earlier… “I” was different and “me” was different.

How so? Actually it was the reaching out and touching the inner child… it made me feel complete somehow. Even if it was just for a few minutes, and later through the week I can easily recall that feeling and moment of bliss.

I feel as if I have leaped eons ahead suddenly. Funnily enough old insecurities remain; these are the ones where “Maya”… (delusion) is caught. Like I feel old, I feel fat and I feel ugly. 🙂 Yet I feel at peace.

Today I can feel angry about the law, how it doesn’t work and how warped it is… in short I feel all old normal feelings and yet there is a difference. I do not feel bogged down with these thoughts. The thoughts flow through me.

Also I constantly feel a presence around me, like God is with me. Now I catch my thoughts and feelings constantly, especially when I feel envy and most easily I know I am hitting out. I understand every hit that I take, earlier it used to upset me, and it doesn’t now.

When I touched and felt myself; my inner child I felt so whole and complete it was unbelievable. I felt so incredibly loved; as if I don’t need to prove myself to anyone anymore. I felt as if a load of unloving weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Yet I felt utterly and completely ordinary. 🙂 Like ‘I’ am no one and yet ‘I’ am the most special and truly beloved person.

I felt connected with myself and with the feelings I feel, these feelings which were a burden to me and a cross to bear are no more. The pain I had carried. It suddenly didn’t feel as painful as I could actually love myself and feel for myself and feel the compassion towards “little me” my inner child.

“Little me” and “me” as “I” exist today have become much closer, almost one person now.

“Almost” is still the fear factor here. Many fearful thoughts bound in and out of me even as write this but they do not cling to me and some radiant confidence seems to feel as if it will always sort out or it will always teach me something that I have yet to learn. Loads of anger seems to have been ferreted out of my system suddenly.


Read Full Post »