NIGYSOB (psyco babble)

Eric Berne, the great euhemerus of Transactional Analysis and originator of social game theory, observed that most people would not be able to tolerate continuous intimacy. Therefore, rituals, activities, pastimes, games, and even withdrawal serve a useful social purpose, at times. It is the addictive compulsion to rely upon the drama triangle of social games, due to an underdeveloped or damaged capacity for intimacy, which threatens the quality of our personal relationships, and it is the awareness of the existence of a choice that defines autonomy.

He identified somewhere around thirty different TA games in his famous book Games People Play, which he first published in 1964. In the decades since Games was published, other TA specialists have identified many more. Yet to this day, two of the most widely-played games continue to be NIGYSOB (an acronym for “Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch”), and Kick Me.

NIGYSOB

NIGYSOB is perhaps the easier of the two games to spot. It is an entrapment game, played by people for whom anger is an important, recurring feeling. This anger may be demonstrated in obvious ways, or it may be submerged. It may build up slowly, or it may build up quickly and violently. But no matter what its depth, or how quickly it builds up, it is always released when a NIGYSOB player sets up other people to do something that enables him to justify yelling at them, and to thus relieve the anger that he has built up in himself (and to feel “better,” or less frustrated, as a result).

In business, NIGYSOB players tend to select people to play with who are in positions of lesser authority and who have little or no obvious interest in resisting entrapment. At home, the stronger of the two spouses usually chooses the weaker spouse to play NIGYSOB with, and mothers and fathers usually select their own sons and daughters.

Occasionally, the opening move in a game of NIGYSOB may be one of the traditional “Isn’t it true that…?” variety – the types of questions used so often by hostile lawyers, TV interviewers, and reporters to entrap their witnesses, guests, and the people who they are interviewing. But more often than not, the opening move in a game of NIGYSOB will be even less obvious – perhaps, for example, some innocuous-sounding statement of fact, like, “I thought you were going to…,” a statement that is equally, if not even more effective, in luring the other person into a trap when he responds “incorrectly.”

Every NIGYSOB player needs a person to play with, and most players need a person with enough skill and experience to help them maintain the forward momentum of the games that they play. Games are always preprogrammed. Each move is always followed by a expected response – a complementary, hoped-for response provided by the next player that challenges or answers the first player in a way that permits the first player to still remain in the game. Without this sort of unconscious help, the first player would often be at a loss as to what to say or do next.

In their never-ending quest for people to play with, NIGYSOB players often select some of their most skilled partners from among the ranks of the KICK ME players of the world.

KICK ME ..(SPOUSE)

Kick Me players are people who received so many negative strokes when they were young that the feeling of being rejected, or of being unwanted, has become one of their most important recurring feelings. Structuring time by playing games that offer them an opportunity to recreate such negative feelings as a matter of course has become something at which they’ve developed considerable skill.

The game of Kick Me serves this purpose ideally. Kick Me is not quite as sophisticated a game as NIGYSOB. But it is, in its way, equally powerful. Sometimes a good Kick Me player can simply look dejected, or act inept, and the spouse will kick him.

Normally, Kick Me players choose NIGYSOB players to give them their kicks, as NIGYSOB players are much more inclined to do so than most other people.